Do you remember when we were kids and we would run around till our legs were aching from all the running. We would laugh till we'd drop from all the laughter, you let me cry on your shoulder until my eyes were dry. Remember how you use to pull me up when I was at my lowest, how you would hold me when there was no one else to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. That no laughter lasts forever but neither does sadness, that after every rainfall there's always sunshine. Remember how we use to ride our bikes to school and when I fall you'd tell me to get right up and try again, the bruises shouldn't be a reason to give up. 'get up and keep going!' that's what you always said to me. We made a promise, that we would always support each other like a brother and sister should, have each others back, that we would always be there for each other. That you would beat anyone that has the nerve to hurt me and be my protector until the man of my dream comes and takes over. Even then you said "I won't give you to another man, I will share you with him' because no man will love you as much as your big brother does." You said you would never leave my side and hold my hand when it gets tough...
But you're not here any more, you're not here to hold my hand and believe me, it's been tough.. You ain't here to wipe away my tears when I'm crying, to ease the pain I feel when I'm constantly hurting..
You're soul was taken a long time ago, although it feels like it was yesterday when you took your last breath. You left me in this cold world all by myself, taking a big piece of my heart away with you, ripped the organ we all need in pieces no man can ever mend. I remember I felt safe knowing I had you by my side, but how can I feel safe now? When you took your last breath, I took mine..
How can I love when the organ that is meant to make me feel has been ripped out? You believed in me, comfort me, gave me the best advice and held my hand since I was a baby until you... had to go. It's been so long since your soul left this world, 9 years ago exactly. But I can still feel your presence in my sleep or when I isolate myself from people. I still have conversations with you in my head like you never really went away. I still dream about you every night oh my beautiful brother. I still reminisce about our childhood and the good times that we shared together. I still feel this knife piercing my heart every time I think about the way you died...
Who said it gets easier as each day passes by? Believe me, I still hurt everyday and the pain doesn't go away. It never really gets easier, you just learn how to live with it cos you have no choice but to accept it. I will never forget but I understand that it was your time to go. Each has their own time and yours came too soon. But who am I to decide what is too soon or not? it was written for your soul to be taken back to your Lord, the most Merciful. Accepting that death is the only guarantee in this life and that every soul belongs to Allah is what has kept me sane all this time. You will always be on my mind, in my heart.. well what's left of it. I feel like breaking down, sometimes it get's so hard and I don't have you to hold me, you weren't just my brother, you were my best friend, my protector, my shoulder to cry on. After you died they took me away, we moved to a unknown place far away from the town we once called home , away from where you are buried. They wanted me to move on, to forget and start fresh elsewhere. But how could I forget? There's no such thing as starting fresh no matter where we go, you will always be on my mind every night before I sleep and every morning when I wake up. I miss you so much, it hurts my soul.
I feel so numb. But no pain compares to the pain I felt when you were taken in such a horrific way. When the van hit you as you crossed the road walking towards me. Neither of us saw that large vehicle coming racing the streets, only to hit you at such high speed leaving your body laying in a pool full of blood uttering your last words
"la ilaha illallah"
running towards you holding your bloodied body in my arms watching you take your last breath... your soul slowly leaving your body.. I watched you die in my arms and there was nothing I could do. That is something I have to live with for the rest of my life, watching you die scarred me. I keep reliving that moment over and over. I have nightmares and flashbacks, it's too much for a 12 year old to take in.
Now I'm a young woman, adapting to this life without you, still finding it hard to remind myself that you are gone. But in my head you are still alive. I shouldn't be so attached as everything in this life is temporary and nothing truly belongs to us but letting go terrifies me. When I lost you, I wasn't coping very well. My grief led me to drugs, smoking and getting involved with the wrong crowd. I became so aggressive and violent, but I soon realised it never helped me in any way. And then I found peace in Islam, the most beautiful religion ever who taught me patience and that everything and everyone does indeed belong to Allah.
When I left that lifestyle for praying and focusing on Deen and education, I started to see the sunshine that you mentioned, I felt hope and realised the purpose of why we are here. No smile, laughter and happiness lasts forever but neither does the pain, grief and sadness. As I've become older I have accepted that you returned to your Creator and that my time will also come. This life is nothing but an eye blink, a ship crossing the ocean. A traveller that does not stop moving because there is no place called home in this temporary world. It is a world that is not even ours.
Oh dear brother, I wish I could hold your beautiful flesh one more time, hold you in my arms one last time, just like I held you so tightly before they took you for burial. I didn't want to let go but I had to, you were covered in a beautiful white clothe and that was the last time I saw your beautiful face, they've taken your body to bury you 6ft under ground. Now all that's left are these pictures, a photo speaks a thousand words, it really does. When I go through my album, it brings back so many memories. & If I was to ever have a son, I will name him after you and pray that he has the same characteristics as his uncle.
May Allah swt grant you the highest rank of Jannah & may He reunite us in the next life inshaAllah.
I miss your beautiful soul <3 ya 7abib al qalb <3
